Journal Entry: Sun Apr 19, 2015, 9:00 PM
because of a mistake I made in mixing dates up, and the foul weather this weekend, I ended up NOT going to bugapaluza... so I splurged on ebay instead. updates and pics of purchased items later...
other than the rainy rainy rainy weather(great for frogs) I have been up to the usual, and have been feeling more positive despite the narsty weather and my financial hardships(these just seem to be a way of life right now) I know that I can and will be free of my debts, and that somehow I will find a way to increase my income without pushing myself beyond my fragile(there, I said it) limits.
in related matters... I have decided that I am no longer going to use dating sites.
all I have found in the online dating world is a depressingly large number of people to sift through, and a few unhappy situations initiated through that online world.
If I am going to meet the Girl Of My Dreams, I will meet her in a more natural way- on common ground, as they say.
That doesn't mean I can't meet her through the internet, because- for all I know, she could find me on here before meeting me in person. *this is the only "social" community type of website that I use... and in fact, my internet usage in the last year has been pretty well limited to Google searches, netflix, ebay, and deviantART.
to be more to the point, the most likely I am to meet that girl is either on THIS site as a person sharing common interests, or in real time... and by real time, I mean more than likely meeting at the East Ridge Flea Market, which for those of you not familiar with Chattanooga is a huge indoor flea mall... and I say this because aside from work, this is the only place I spend significant time away from my house.
something else I just thought of... about how I had been trying to "get to the bottom of things"
I discovered something quite strange, and yet very Zen(I love paradoxes) and I realized that "the bottom is the top"
I have been delving into my current life as far down as I can go... and many of my earliest conscious memories(that were not fear based) revolved around my love of big rigs.
many people who KNOW me, like REALLY truly know me, know that I have loved semis since I could first walk and talk.
but, unlike the love I confessed to having for buses back in 2010, this is something I have been subconsciously suppressing for the better part of twenty years, excluding middle school. (I was somewhat able to express myself in my school environment but that is a topic for another day)
To be frank, despite my obvious infatuation and deepest yearnings I have cut myself off from these masters of the road.
(thanks Dad for the fear-mongering that lead me to block out one of my deepest loves)
I still look at beautiful rigs when they pass me on the interstate, and something powerful and deep overcomes me- an emotion that I just CAN NOT explain... it is this that made me choose to work for FedEx Ground 3 years ago, and also the reason I went to work for FedEx Express. My dream is that some day, and I pray soon, I can finally fulfill my life-long dream of driving a semi truck. It is only now, after living away from the direct influence of my family(and seeing a therapist for four years) that I can see what is my heart's desire.
Such a simple and humble thing I know, but this is the only dream I have held on to for many years.
If you can get to the bottom of things, you will always come out on top!
Eating: fried rice
Drinking: dr pepper