Journal Entry: Sun Oct 26, 2014, 9:03 PM
I finally figured it out...
no not the Talent Search thing from the previous entry, although this does have something to do with the "dreamer/doer" part of that last rant.
I figured out why I am a "dreamer" and not a "doer"
dreams are easy and they always work smoothly and seamlessly, skipping the unpleasant parts, or glossing over them.
Reality is REAL... gritty, grimy, grim, and slimy... but also smooth, clean, bright, and wonderful!
but the fact that the negative is just as much real in waking life as positive is what scares me even when I make wonderful things happen!
I am afraid to get the things I want because I am afraid that I or some unseen force will quickly take it away!!
This is why I give up on things, change direction, and don't finish things I start!
For example, with Bluebird, I was going to fix her up like a camper and go places with her... I had a lot of modifications done(though I was far from through, I could have taken her on many adventures and didn't) but I was so afraid of hurting her that I became afraid of driving her and I let that fear drive us apart!!
This realization has brought me to a conclusion... A thought I have had before, but to this moment not understood-
No one can ever take your love away from you!
Love is something that lives inside you, intangible and untouchable, it burns brighter than any fire you have seen in your life.
LOVE CONQUERS ALL.
Instead of focusing on fears, "what if this happens?" etc. I should focus on each emotion as it comes.
I should treasure every smile, and every tear, and relish in my humanity.
I should follow the advice I always give others, and have given myself:
"Live in the moment, NOW!"
and this includes "LOVE in every moment."
this is centering, grounding, focusing-
this is the "inner fire"
the "eternal spark"
This is purpose, power, motivation.
This is DRIVE.
Trust in Love, trust in life.
---would you believe me if I told you, that this was inspired by knowing Zen?
of course you would, if you know me...
It was a machine that taught me how to be HUMAN.
(my life is a paradoxical world)
Mood: Eye Candy
Listening to: Dead Can Dance
Playing: Mind Games